Fuck the 7%

Yesterday’s slow loris of optimism has today been mutilated by the raging lawn mower of hatred, fuelled by the blood of the innocents.

OK, so yesterday I had time to enjoy the little things, but a looming regional manager visit has turned the little things into nothing more than a distant memory. They’ve become the tiny shard of light that creeps through the shattered windscreen of a broken down car in a tunnel, amid the anarchy of a zombie apocalypse. Only, this shard of light turns out to be nothing more than a globule of undead saliva sliding it’s way down the last plate of glass you’ll ever see. And by the time it reaches the bottom your arms will have been torn from your body and your face eaten off.

It’s important to realise how these things work. Like everything else, if you understand the mechanisms- the fundamentals, it usually makes it easier to stomach the realities.

If you are an employee, and you’re boss wants more from you, the following ‘fundamentals’ come into play.

Adam works at 84% efficiency. (You are Adam) 84% efficiency does not cause Adam/ you discomfort. Adam does not think about work while he watches match of the day or cooks chicken goujons or scratches his balls.

If we then ask Adam for 100%, and let us assume 100% results in Adams death, then in the pursuit of 100% Adam will reach 91%. This is an increase of 7%.

7% more efficiency means Adam thinks about work while he watches the days goals, he stops appreciating them. 7% more efficiency means Adam burns his chicken goujons and burns his hand as he removes them from the oven. 7% more efficiency means Adam accidentally twists his testicle, causing him agonising pain and a temporary limp.

The understanding is that a boss will always ask for 100%. Thing is, they ask it knowing they won’t get 100%, but that breaking your balls for not working at 100%, will always yield the 7%.

It’s what the world has decided to obsess over, because it makes us forget about the other things. The things we really don’t want to acknowledge.

My boss wants 7%, because their boss wants 7%, because their boss wants a bigger boat. And that’s the fundamental.

Fuck the 7%. Fuck the boat and fuck Duncan and his den.

(Apologies for allowing Duncan Bannatyne to become a figure head for capitalism, especially to Duncan. Above is a photo of Duncan having fun, in a relaxed social environment.)

Peace motherfuckers. x