Mistletoe and Bastards

It’s fucking Baltic outside, I’ve spent all my money on thermo set plastic mince pies and Christmas day looms like a wave of syphilitic prostitutes down a water slide.

I’m personally looking forward to the mounting pressure, the potential for driving myself into further financial ruin and the festering smell of the humans in all the great churches of modern day consumerism. (Bluewater, Norwich mall etc, etc.)

Thing is, I love Christmas; the Christmas I have at home is by far my most treasured day in a year. It’s just that I fucking despise the fact that everyone else insists on having Christmas too, because I end up on the business end of a cock slap of unreasonable desires.

Once upon a time, a shop sold some of the things you wanted, but not all of the things and if they didn’t have the size or the colour you’d just get over it, or pick the lice out of your hair. Maybe wash in a stream. The shop reserved the right to tell you to fuck off, shoot at you and to call you bad words.

Now, because I can decide which programs I want to watch on telly at the very moment I want to, can pause them for a pot noodle or a wank, rewind to the bit with the boobies, pause that and take a screen shot and make it my background, I walk around thinking everything works like that.

I can understand when stupid people expect this level of indulgence in every part of their mundane existence, they’re used to it. They don’t understand that there are still some areas of life where you can’t get exactly what you want and in a fit of tiny brain misunderstanding, they are rude. I also understand that while in my Reich I’d drown them in sack bags for their insolence, its fairly unacceptable to kill a rude person just for being rude.

So like a tiny primate, fettered by its desire to throw shit, I must continue to make myself feel better by dribbling cynicism into the void that is the internets.

Unfortunate really.                                                                                                             

Tomorrow, I’ll be talking about the issue of ‘the bills’ and winter survival for those that can’t afford heating or Christmas presents.