iBorrow an iFad

I’m back once again (not this time like the renegade master), at my place of full time employment. This means that I have an hour to vent my frustrations and to get jacked up on coffee. (I know it’s not a proper addiction, but I care about my grandmothers feelings).

I spent a while deluding myself this week that I might be able to acquire an iPad on Apples  Fiona finance option, because I need one, I need one, or I’ll die. I need one because it’s exactly like my iPhone, so does all the things my iPhone does, but it’s a bit bigger. So my emails will be a bit bigger, and so will the boobies.

I quickly realised though, that in this time of financial crisis they only lend money to people that could easily buy it outright in the first place anyway. Gone are the glorious days of irresponsible lending to the poor. My monthly paper bills are testament to this and apparently they expect it back at some point. Unfortunately I have recently and selectively decided to refute the actual worth of currency and since I charge for receiving correspondence, per phone call, email, letter, bailiff visit etc., I now estimate that they owe me £20.

Anyway, here are some more realistic strategies for acquiring an iFad.

Stage one: Make all of your Christmas gifts this year. It’s free and more ‘personal’. I heard mum’s like pressed flowers on paper, framed and with a poem underneath. Where I live, there are no flowers, they all died when the atmosphere collapsed, so instead I pressed a dead bird that I kept in the freezer from ‘before’. Birds are pretty too.

Stage two: Eat out of bins. As long as no-one you know sees you, it’s not demeaning. Just think about how people will view you when you have an iFad, it’s a success indicator and worth risking your health for.

Stage Three: Mug someone physically weaker than you. Pick your target well. The person should not be able to resist you forcefully taking their iFad from them. If they do and you are unable to acquire a real iPad the other option is to buy a digital photo frame. Below is a conversation you might have and strategies for making the façade realistic:

Mug friend: Is that an iPad? You must be really successful.

You: Yeah it fucking is. Keep your hands off it or I’ll brain you.

Mug: why is it plugged in?

You: It’s fucking charging. I’ve been watching a shitload of porn. Drains the battery.

Mug: What you doing on it now?

You: Looking at pictures. On iPhoto.

So there it is, you’ve got an Ipad. And it’s all down to me.